Return of the Jedi

Ranges

NZD                      0.6240 - 0.8840 

AUD                      0.6820 - 1.0850

AUDNZD              1.0017 - 1.3200

EUR                      1.0327 - 1.4000

CNY                      6.0375 – 6.9600

Gold                     1050 – 1800

Oil                         26.00 - 112.25

Dow Jones          11,800 – 26,600

Weed                   350/oz Local curr

Coffee                  3.50 – 4.50

After a fairly trouble free hiatus I would like to touch on a couple points discussed earlier, and also raise a number of new elements that have surfaced on my break. Just to get you up to speed, it’s been 6 years since my last confession. Many ewoks have died and those were, in fact, absolutely the droids I was looking for. Do you want the good news first?

The good news

We managed to punch through the well touted cataclysmic event of world doom, as predicted by some in 2012, and seemly FB has bounced from the lows. NZ has banked a second Web Ellis trophy and taken a bronze in the women’s pole vault (she’s my freebie). We repurchased the Americas Cup(thats sailing for rich wankers) and the Warriors went on an unprecedented winning streak which led to the booky halting all traffic on the DB Bitter brigade.

SKY TV has finally recognised the way the world is turning and acknowledged the existence of the internet. Dam you internet. Telecom went GSM digital and did I mention a bronze in the Woman’s Pole Vault, in Brasil no less. Its like my dream sporting event … bronze Brazilian pole vaulting. Mmmmm. 

2013 was a decent year for Te whero whero white man fire water, pity none made it to the big island as the crooks still struggle to make a drinkable pinot. 2014 was a good time to blood some new stock before the RWC repeat in 2015. Seeing you little Beaudy Barret Balls fly under the cross bar to crush the ANZAC spirit was truly uplifting. It really put the planet back in its place with all the misguided prods of choking now well in the rear view mirror. King Richard solidified himself as a man amongst men with not only 2 gold mugs and a glider pilot license, but joined the ranks of the mysterious world of  Rescue Helicopter Captain.

The desert has certainly not disappointed with Syria taking the top job as naughty child. Usual suspects charged with putting out that fire with usual results. Speaking of Suspects … I had foreseen that the Cossacks may not be integrating into the global playground as well as we hoped. Like a peach they have soaked up more news time than super sports Sunday. 

The bad news

Didn't get any at FB at 15.00, Donald Trump is now in charge of the worlds stupidist race and we have replaced one horse like matriarch, that can eat an apple through a tennis racket for a younger, sharper, slightly less hopeless model ... running the same game with the granny tree huggers.

Unfortunately once again the black cox failed to medal in the mixed doubles and I managed to blow up 2 housing markets.  Thats is a grand total of 3 now so surely I'm qualified to be economist for any of the top four banks.

Global warming has dug its toes in, although it seems more like global raining and we are still 100 years away from being non reliant on fossil fuels. Phew that will be handy.


Well this rhetoric was just a loosen-er, trying to get the eye back in before we adjust our sights towards GFC II and the complete melt down of the global financial and geo politic hornets nest. Looking forward to getting stuck into DTrumpet, if hes not impeached before my next on September 11, 2018.

Spend quality some time with your hound. They don't live forever

Aloha Mufasa Hippopotamus Nambala 2007 - 2017

Droids, Check
Saber, Check
Wookie. Check

SpaceBook

One hundred billion dollars
That’s what Goldman Sachs is going to pay for all your holiday snaps, baby photos , emails and messages you have sent to your friends and family for the last 5 years. If you haven’t read your FB terms and conditions specifically the privacy statement(or lack of it) let me summarise for you. You are a fuken idiot!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3hu3iG8B2g

The world is rioting against corporate greed and then facebooking themselves when they get home. Effectively selling the most valuable commodity on earth to the corporate monster for FREE. All your personal information is currently getting transferred to the Dow Jones. I must admit all this information is available on things like your phone, email, tax records, bank statements etc, but it is governed by privacy legislation protecting it that is so draconian it cripples most legitimate businesses profitability. Hence the value in free information of earth’s population owned by Zuckerberg that all you social media morons happily add to every 5 minutes when you take a crap.

One hundred billion dollars!

I would just like to emphasize how fuken stupid you FB idiots actually are. In case I forget to later. If I was the dumbest guy in the retard class at the worst school I would still be deleting my personal information and deactivating my FB account, and shorting the stock on the float

Now the Goldman Sachs has been quite a successful trader for a number of years now so it’s not surprising they have seen a goldmine here. Recently there’s been plenty of tents pitched outside head office protesting how much they have profited in a  time of global crisis and rightly so. But why should Goldstein stop banking heathen cash when it’s been thrown at him like sardines to flipper? He’s done it successfully for 2000 years, he gets some bad press but how can you blame him. At the end of the day, as long as there’s an atheist mongoloid willing to part with his hard earned cash there will be a Yiddish man of the cloth willing to take it.

The thing is you would at least want to get some form of return, or at least a bag of crack for what you are handing over. How much do you think the corporate monster values an extensive and HIGHLY personal database of the world’s population. 100 Billion DOLLARS …

I’m gonna short facebook as soon as it floats, it will dotcom crash faster than Lastminute. In fact I think you could set up a FB page to sell facebook shares on facebook below the float and still make money. Glad I don’t have photos of my child uploaded on the Goldman’s Sachs mainframe. He’s gonna sell them to Satans little helper for a handsome return, he has to.... He just paid 100 billion dollars for facebook.

STATUS UPDATE “I just got my pants pulled down and spanked, buying FB shares ..”

Idiots

TwentyTwelve

It’s looking like a pretty exciting year is upon us so you better make sure you have a bigger better flat screen and some 3D glasses. The Mayans and John Cusack believe this to be the year of global cataclysm. While this theory does have some traction among various creed I’m not convinced I’ll be trying anything gay, or committing offenses that may lead to incarceration just yet. Maybe later in the year when there is more tangible evidence of total annihilation.  

I must admit there have been some interesting precursors to at least partial devastation of the blue tombola, you definitely could be forgiven for suspecting the worst… The Persians have started enriching uranium whatever that means, I’m assuming that’s CIA code for lets invade those cunts now. The Pacific ring of fire is reminding the bearded sox and sandal club why it is apply named. And the most unruly of all the rogue states has just been handed over to a 23 year old virgin with poor eyesight, a taste for hound and an allergy to alcohol. The most likely scenario is the euro will get disbanded and the EU will implode … the china man will keep buying US soil … the Africans will keep turning blood into stones and the whales will continue to create disharmony on the seven seas. Dam that luscious blubber.

There is a few other dates you may wish to add to your calendar. Forget Jan its always a write off, summer boozing in the South … winter freezing in the North and the china man gets about 2 weeks off to look for dragons.

The first major event on the poodle calendar has to be Feb 6, when the Ras ta Fari amongst us celebrate the birth of Robert Nesta (1945 – 1981). Id like to take this opportunity to thank the Captain and Cedalla Booker for finally bringing mankind a prophet not blinded by religion, race or wealth. And he truly was very great man… 

Aoteroa day also lands on this square, this is a fitting duet given the propensity for the locals to enhance conversation and feast. Other minor occasions include the 60^th anniversary of QEII inheriting the golden hat and the big chair. Not too much common wealth involved in that scheme for your guide dog.

Later in the year we have a 6 ring circus, The 2012 Summer Olympics held in London begin July 27^th. Im really looking forward to soaking up all the new and improved performance enhancing drugs, illegal betting scams and especially the exciting stories of how much it takes to bribe the IOC members to host the 2016 circus. Although I have heard from the horse’s mouth that the Olympics are a defining event in any athlete’s life, its governing body rivals FIFA in its level of corruption and scandal. These hypocrites and parasites that administer the global phenomenon that is the olympics would have all been jailed years ago had they run a Wall street firm. So I can’t get to excited to be honest, but i will be paying close attention to the womans pole vault.

In August we will have another crack at landing on Mars, the Curiosity Rover is expected to make landfall sometime in the middle of the month. However let’s not count our Martians just yet (ha spell check required a capital M for martian). The last Mars expedition slammed straight into the red planet at 50,000 miles per second due to a small oversight i.e the navigation computer used the metric system. “Houston we have a problem, was that 10,000 meters or 10,000 feet….? BANG! Ah Houston im picking that was feet.” And 10 billion dollars makes a pretty big bang for your guide dawg.

Probably the most significant event of TwentyTwelve is New Years eve funnily enough. Aside from the 21^st of Dec when the pre-Columbian Mayan civilization predicted a day of doom. Of course they wont get to see it because the crack pipe lead to their demise long before the prophecy could be tested. Dam you crack pipe.

On December 31^st we will see the end to the Kyoto Protocol in its current form. This gives an opportunity for the terra firmas largest polluters and oil consumers to consider their decison to ignore their responsibilities in prolonging the life span of our atmospheree. A second chance if you will. It also enables New Zealand and other nations that were run by swampies in 1992 to exocise their ‘get the fuck out of this’ option. Be interesting to see how many signatures would be on that scroll had they actually read it.

Hopefully China and Russia used the billions of dollars of carbon credits paid to them by NZ tax payers wisely over the last 20 years. Dam good of the worlds ugliest woman to volunteer to help the china man buy more coal when she jumped on board that donkey. I still want to know who paid the fart tax for the megaheard of zebras and wilderbeast trumpeting their way across the African continent. Hmmm, maybe ugboot face put our hand up for that aswell.

Good luck for 2012, lets hope the world doesnt end just yet...



C bom

Stripey horse tamer

It’s hard to know what goes on in the mind of the over 80s, but I presume xmas is a time of year the elders consider a good yard stick to measure father time. Even I know that 30 years ago what was under the ol pine cone was a whole lot different to what it was last year. So imagine the plethora of disappointment that was there 80 year ago.

Under the tree in 1932 would have been like an Eskimos wet dream, the anticipation of letting the cat out of the bag is allot better than the reality. Oh look mummy, a little kitty for xmas! … yeah well don’t get to attached to him Lucy coz the rats are 3x bigger than him at the moment. And hes probably gonna be xmas dinner for 20 next year so let’s hope he makes it through the holiday season.

We as a generation battle with the diseases of obesity, diabetes and depression (if you like food) or famine, anorexia and depression (if you don’t like food). Don’t imagine there were too many folks to fat to get out of the house or pro choice starvation back in the 30s … but they definitely had one great fucken depression. Its amazing what readily available mirrors and motion pictures did for the overall self esteem of the human race. It appears finding inner piece may be allot closer if you don't have a constant reminder of external appearance. Or maybe it’s just less of a concern when faced with the simple business of survival.

A shame we can’t go undercover boss into the clan of the zebra to see how the ultimate communist race actually functions. That stripey little horse.  I'm not black I'm not white, I'm not a horse and I'm not a cow, I don’t know if you’re a girl or a boy but ill shag you anyway. And I cannot be tamed by the 2 legged no tailed talking ape. Many generations of ho mo sapiens have tried to tame the zebra, but alas to no avail. The stripey horse will be the last animal standing on this earth, that is my prediction. That stripey little horse.

If man doesn’t want to eat you and he can’t ride you hes pretty much gonna forget about you. And if mans forgotten you you’ve gotta pretty good shot at survival. Just ask the Swiss. If they didn’t make Swiss army knives know one would know where they were. I bet they are depressed, what with Leatherman’s making awesome xmas presents and all. Are Swiss chix hot? Ive never actually had that confirmed, they sound hot…but it could be the double bluff. You go there expecting xmas and they're all half German shot putters ... you cant get back over the wall and you spend the rest of your days waiting to be possessed by the White Walkers. Take a Leatherman is my advice, those White Walkers don’t fuck around by all accounts. Mind you thousands of years under the ice is gonna create anger issues.

Back to 1945 though, doesn’t it seem strange that granddad and his merry men were not ordered to go open a can of whip arse on the Swiss cheese. Its pretty obvious they were pen pals with Charlie Chapman's evil uncle. Yet there seemed to be a reluctance to sanction the shit out those bad eggs. I expect there is some correlation between this strange course of events and the Swiss bank account. Which brings me back to my earlier query … why is there  always some old dude with grey hair and a halenstines suit when you're transferring hundreds of millions into a Swiss bank account. If I was depositing my sacks of war profit I would want a hot chick passing me the quill …. just sign here sir. I bet those sneaky Cossack bank tellers are hot leggy blonde's open to the notion of sex for a small fee, and perhaps a house and car package ….but not the Swiss.

I hope to see the face of the old creed at present opening sessions for a few more years to come, it’s something to behold.

What the fuck is that?

It’s an iPad granddad

What does it do?

Its like a computer only smaller and no wires

To bloody small to see, and no wires to find it with

You can look at the Internet with it granddad

Whats the Internet?

You remember that think that talks to your computer

Oh that thing in the sky?

Yes that’s it granddad

So what in gods name do I want that for?

I got you a zebra ride as well you grumpy ol bugger.

Santa

PS spell check doesn’t even know what an iPad is … no wonder granddads struggling

four4 legs

Release the beagle

It’s always nice to imagine being pooch but there are limitations. You are strictly a cash operation, there will be no easy outs with credy cards and wot not because you have no fucking hands. To be fair you can run like that for a while but you will get found out pretty quick. So it just depends on how you want it to go down. The tail is something of a gods end. You may be quietly amused but not overly, so a facial expression is not quite warranted. However, a little tap on the carpet with your tail (dub dub) can suffice but if the banter doesn’t warrant further attention you can just close your eyes. You are already lying down so what are they gonna say...you need 22 hours a day and everybody knows this.

Why do land agents get 4% of the deal. They are parking wardens with a leased beamer and a shoe collection on lay bye. Do they really think we are looking at the car payments outside or how they look walking up the hallway of the house your about to take 30yrs to pay off. 
FUCK OFF

If i had the choice of waking up next to a land agent or a parking warden i would definitely go warden. Which is a risky bizniss for a hetero sexual (3some curious if its 2 chix) dude because u just don’t see too many lady parking wardens. Maybe that’s why most land agents are chix. What dude in his right mind would aspire to be a land agent. Obviously there are many men that have paid many a marker from the proceeds of selling a hotel on park lane, but seriously it’s a part time gig isn’t it? If you make your rent buy taking a cut off someone else’s rent then how do you get up in the morning and smile. You think those filthy land agents are fucking on your couch in the month of marketing your property? Of Course theY are. Does anyone even know a land agent aside from the month every 5 years that you pay them a gorilla an hour to find a buyer or seller.

When you are ready to go so is 4legs, he is impartial and has no expectations but hes dam keen. Or not... happy to sleep for a while aswell, maybe a movie and a biscuit, either way hes happy. All puppies are happy, and all those that have puppies are happy. Cats suck.  Why do the K9 constabulary want to chop off my balls! I’m not sure if it’s a dick thing or a ball thing or a chick thing but the annual hound tax is eighty per cent less if the manhood is removed. I prefer with stones. Imagine if 2 legs got an 80 percent tax break for adhering to the eunuch(pronounced yu nick) tax  code. 3somes would be the norm .. that’s the world i want to reside on. I love three sums but i am more of a numbers man.

If I was gonna get 20 gorillas for shagging on some staged furniture in a crib I can’t afford until next moon I would mosdef be putting in more effort. In what world do you have to chase some wood duck to give him/her the juice on your biggest life cheque and then he/she forgets who you are the next time you see him/her. Whoops that’s right I forget, you never see him/her again because they are social re taaards that only mingle amongst their own kind. Kind of like the sopranos only way less cool and way easier to bash the fuck out of. Don’t even get me started on the rental retards. Imagine how popular a polar bear would be with the south pole locals and your getting close to a rental retard at a disco. What the fuck is a letting fee for you margin monkey, get a job.

Sit boo boo
Sit

monkey dolittle

To the polls we go.

Lock up you daughters maybe even you sons, in five days time we will find out if nearly a decade of Ugboot face madness will be revisited at the expense of giving the Grand Master of Foreign Exchange traders a second term. While not wanting to polarise souls with political stance, and given the fact the last time I ticked the box was for the Legalise Cannabis party, I must concede that a coalition of Labour, Greens, NZ First & Mana parties could have some downside. The out of work geriatric tree huggers dream.

Ugboot face has been paid her settlement for signing the Kyoto agreement first and now swans  in and out of the hole in the ozone layer in organic aircraft at will. Probably munching the rug of her mile high partner in crime while her husband spends his time researching if it's medically possible for the two ugliest people on earth to make little politicians. Or will their hideous little offspring have to get a real job. What we must consider, aside from the free lunches for those who were told in the baby boomer hand book to choose red, is there a legacy from the record three term politically correct asexual Labour (or benefit if that's suits better) government that can help those monkeys still on the fence choose our future commander in chief.

And before you start getting hot under the collar there is no underlying racial connotation or reference in the word monkey. I strongly believe we all came from monkeys, so race or colour hold no ownership on the word monkey.Nor do I accept that I should have to refrain using my third favourite word in the context I choose. And I'm not being a clever monkey, nor a cheeky monkey. I just find the word and the in fact the species as a hole very comical and versatile. So unless you have a prehensile tail, are covered in fur and and have a DNA sample to prove you are a monkey, back the fuck off.

It would be interesting to know exactly how many millions of carbon credits NZ tax payers have been forced to buy from the likes of Russia and China (both renown for their clean green style) on the back of signing that ridiculous agreement. I suspect it would come close to paying off the devastation in the shaky flatland. Maybe if it was worded differently ... we could have doubled your unemployment benefit backdated 20 years if we didn't sign the late 20th century's biggest cluster fuck ... there would have been a few less monkeys on the fence.

The right wing doesn't escape without a clip too for that matter. Who the fuck decided a few years ago that Donald Brash would lead the strike force tasked with bringing down the PC party. He was the most PC mofo on the block, lost a leaders debate because he didn't want to interrupt a lady! He said it was disrespectful to woman and preferred to wait until she had finished, what a fucken jub. She not gonna finish you moron its a debate, shes gonna rip you a new arsehole on national TV. And was never proven she was a woman.

That's was almost as crazy as Donald Duck being in charge of winning the world cup. Whoops .... that's right he did!

I wont be voting myself unfortunately as I'm off on a mystery getaway this weekend. The mystery has been solved just quietly but all the same im gonna be wearing speedos for 72 hours and there is no way im gonna potentially cue up next to ACT party constituants in a banana hammock. Look what they did to Rodney Hide! Looks like hes been biting pillows daily ever since they glazed him in oil and made him go ballroom dancing.


spot monkey

For your guide dog

Interesting to note that the desert has been a little stroppy of late. Not sure if it’s the increase number of iPhone in the region or just things have genuinely escalated to full scale chaos. But it has to be said the sand people are troubled bunch. I put it down to always having dust in the eyes, it will drive you bonkers there’s no doubt. Ever since the world hiding go seek champ was the victim of a brutal home invasion at the hand of the infidel, there certainly has been a lack of law and order and community spirit in the dunes. I wonder if Osama bin Hiding was in actual fact the glue that kept the camel together. In a land where your Hilux comes direct from the factory with a machine gun mounted on the tray anything is possible.

You’ve got to feel for Barry Crump though, no longer being the face synonymous with the world’s greatest Ute. He had a good run. Maybe he could turn his attentions to showing the world police how to drive those fucken Black Hawks. They should have called the movie 20 Black Hawks down, or maybe just Wood duck down. Weird how the fight for the holy land has proven to be the war of all wars, when both the bible and the Koran speak of peace and neighbourly love. Also weird how spell check wants a capital K for Koran but not a capital B for bible. I wonder if we took religion off the planet for a week there would be nothing to fight about. Ha, then it would be planet of the apes.

The China man must be laughing his little titties off watching and waiting for Jesus and Aladdin to break each other’s knee caps. Or at least go completely broke in the process. Thank god Buddha was a mellow yellow fellow because two billion pairs of hands makes light work ... of beating the puss out of someone. It’s always bugged me how the whale eaters gave China the mighty Ginsu in WWII though. If you looked at a map the smart money would have to be on the big guy. Something else bugs me in that neck of the woods to, and that is the consumption of hound. Man’s best friend shud not cooked. I don’t mind dolphin though it’s very good on the spit.

A little sea pig anyone? yum yum.

Brad Pit has retired. How could you ever get tired of riding that race horse of his. She’s an international 10 fosho. I hope Angie doesn’t serve up puppy to any of those little blighters. That would have been the biggest decision that collectively mankind has ever made … Jennifer or Angelina.

Strangely similar to Jesus or Aladdin. Ah the irony