Stripey horse tamer

It’s hard to know what goes on in the mind of the over 80s, but I presume xmas is a time of year the elders consider a good yard stick to measure father time. Even I know that 30 years ago what was under the ol pine cone was a whole lot different to what it was last year. So imagine the plethora of disappointment that was there 80 year ago.

Under the tree in 1932 would have been like an Eskimos wet dream, the anticipation of letting the cat out of the bag is allot better than the reality. Oh look mummy, a little kitty for xmas! … yeah well don’t get to attached to him Lucy coz the rats are 3x bigger than him at the moment. And hes probably gonna be xmas dinner for 20 next year so let’s hope he makes it through the holiday season.

We as a generation battle with the diseases of obesity, diabetes and depression (if you like food) or famine, anorexia and depression (if you don’t like food). Don’t imagine there were too many folks to fat to get out of the house or pro choice starvation back in the 30s … but they definitely had one great fucken depression. Its amazing what readily available mirrors and motion pictures did for the overall self esteem of the human race. It appears finding inner piece may be allot closer if you don't have a constant reminder of external appearance. Or maybe it’s just less of a concern when faced with the simple business of survival.

A shame we can’t go undercover boss into the clan of the zebra to see how the ultimate communist race actually functions. That stripey little horse.  I'm not black I'm not white, I'm not a horse and I'm not a cow, I don’t know if you’re a girl or a boy but ill shag you anyway. And I cannot be tamed by the 2 legged no tailed talking ape. Many generations of ho mo sapiens have tried to tame the zebra, but alas to no avail. The stripey horse will be the last animal standing on this earth, that is my prediction. That stripey little horse.

If man doesn’t want to eat you and he can’t ride you hes pretty much gonna forget about you. And if mans forgotten you you’ve gotta pretty good shot at survival. Just ask the Swiss. If they didn’t make Swiss army knives know one would know where they were. I bet they are depressed, what with Leatherman’s making awesome xmas presents and all. Are Swiss chix hot? Ive never actually had that confirmed, they sound hot…but it could be the double bluff. You go there expecting xmas and they're all half German shot putters ... you cant get back over the wall and you spend the rest of your days waiting to be possessed by the White Walkers. Take a Leatherman is my advice, those White Walkers don’t fuck around by all accounts. Mind you thousands of years under the ice is gonna create anger issues.

Back to 1945 though, doesn’t it seem strange that granddad and his merry men were not ordered to go open a can of whip arse on the Swiss cheese. Its pretty obvious they were pen pals with Charlie Chapman's evil uncle. Yet there seemed to be a reluctance to sanction the shit out those bad eggs. I expect there is some correlation between this strange course of events and the Swiss bank account. Which brings me back to my earlier query … why is there  always some old dude with grey hair and a halenstines suit when you're transferring hundreds of millions into a Swiss bank account. If I was depositing my sacks of war profit I would want a hot chick passing me the quill …. just sign here sir. I bet those sneaky Cossack bank tellers are hot leggy blonde's open to the notion of sex for a small fee, and perhaps a house and car package ….but not the Swiss.

I hope to see the face of the old creed at present opening sessions for a few more years to come, it’s something to behold.

What the fuck is that?

It’s an iPad granddad

What does it do?

Its like a computer only smaller and no wires

To bloody small to see, and no wires to find it with

You can look at the Internet with it granddad

Whats the Internet?

You remember that think that talks to your computer

Oh that thing in the sky?

Yes that’s it granddad

So what in gods name do I want that for?

I got you a zebra ride as well you grumpy ol bugger.

Santa

PS spell check doesn’t even know what an iPad is … no wonder granddads struggling

four4 legs

Release the beagle

It’s always nice to imagine being pooch but there are limitations. You are strictly a cash operation, there will be no easy outs with credy cards and wot not because you have no fucking hands. To be fair you can run like that for a while but you will get found out pretty quick. So it just depends on how you want it to go down. The tail is something of a gods end. You may be quietly amused but not overly, so a facial expression is not quite warranted. However, a little tap on the carpet with your tail (dub dub) can suffice but if the banter doesn’t warrant further attention you can just close your eyes. You are already lying down so what are they gonna say...you need 22 hours a day and everybody knows this.

Why do land agents get 4% of the deal. They are parking wardens with a leased beamer and a shoe collection on lay bye. Do they really think we are looking at the car payments outside or how they look walking up the hallway of the house your about to take 30yrs to pay off. 
FUCK OFF

If i had the choice of waking up next to a land agent or a parking warden i would definitely go warden. Which is a risky bizniss for a hetero sexual (3some curious if its 2 chix) dude because u just don’t see too many lady parking wardens. Maybe that’s why most land agents are chix. What dude in his right mind would aspire to be a land agent. Obviously there are many men that have paid many a marker from the proceeds of selling a hotel on park lane, but seriously it’s a part time gig isn’t it? If you make your rent buy taking a cut off someone else’s rent then how do you get up in the morning and smile. You think those filthy land agents are fucking on your couch in the month of marketing your property? Of Course theY are. Does anyone even know a land agent aside from the month every 5 years that you pay them a gorilla an hour to find a buyer or seller.

When you are ready to go so is 4legs, he is impartial and has no expectations but hes dam keen. Or not... happy to sleep for a while aswell, maybe a movie and a biscuit, either way hes happy. All puppies are happy, and all those that have puppies are happy. Cats suck.  Why do the K9 constabulary want to chop off my balls! I’m not sure if it’s a dick thing or a ball thing or a chick thing but the annual hound tax is eighty per cent less if the manhood is removed. I prefer with stones. Imagine if 2 legs got an 80 percent tax break for adhering to the eunuch(pronounced yu nick) tax  code. 3somes would be the norm .. that’s the world i want to reside on. I love three sums but i am more of a numbers man.

If I was gonna get 20 gorillas for shagging on some staged furniture in a crib I can’t afford until next moon I would mosdef be putting in more effort. In what world do you have to chase some wood duck to give him/her the juice on your biggest life cheque and then he/she forgets who you are the next time you see him/her. Whoops that’s right I forget, you never see him/her again because they are social re taaards that only mingle amongst their own kind. Kind of like the sopranos only way less cool and way easier to bash the fuck out of. Don’t even get me started on the rental retards. Imagine how popular a polar bear would be with the south pole locals and your getting close to a rental retard at a disco. What the fuck is a letting fee for you margin monkey, get a job.

Sit boo boo
Sit

monkey dolittle

To the polls we go.

Lock up you daughters maybe even you sons, in five days time we will find out if nearly a decade of Ugboot face madness will be revisited at the expense of giving the Grand Master of Foreign Exchange traders a second term. While not wanting to polarise souls with political stance, and given the fact the last time I ticked the box was for the Legalise Cannabis party, I must concede that a coalition of Labour, Greens, NZ First & Mana parties could have some downside. The out of work geriatric tree huggers dream.

Ugboot face has been paid her settlement for signing the Kyoto agreement first and now swans  in and out of the hole in the ozone layer in organic aircraft at will. Probably munching the rug of her mile high partner in crime while her husband spends his time researching if it's medically possible for the two ugliest people on earth to make little politicians. Or will their hideous little offspring have to get a real job. What we must consider, aside from the free lunches for those who were told in the baby boomer hand book to choose red, is there a legacy from the record three term politically correct asexual Labour (or benefit if that's suits better) government that can help those monkeys still on the fence choose our future commander in chief.

And before you start getting hot under the collar there is no underlying racial connotation or reference in the word monkey. I strongly believe we all came from monkeys, so race or colour hold no ownership on the word monkey.Nor do I accept that I should have to refrain using my third favourite word in the context I choose. And I'm not being a clever monkey, nor a cheeky monkey. I just find the word and the in fact the species as a hole very comical and versatile. So unless you have a prehensile tail, are covered in fur and and have a DNA sample to prove you are a monkey, back the fuck off.

It would be interesting to know exactly how many millions of carbon credits NZ tax payers have been forced to buy from the likes of Russia and China (both renown for their clean green style) on the back of signing that ridiculous agreement. I suspect it would come close to paying off the devastation in the shaky flatland. Maybe if it was worded differently ... we could have doubled your unemployment benefit backdated 20 years if we didn't sign the late 20th century's biggest cluster fuck ... there would have been a few less monkeys on the fence.

The right wing doesn't escape without a clip too for that matter. Who the fuck decided a few years ago that Donald Brash would lead the strike force tasked with bringing down the PC party. He was the most PC mofo on the block, lost a leaders debate because he didn't want to interrupt a lady! He said it was disrespectful to woman and preferred to wait until she had finished, what a fucken jub. She not gonna finish you moron its a debate, shes gonna rip you a new arsehole on national TV. And was never proven she was a woman.

That's was almost as crazy as Donald Duck being in charge of winning the world cup. Whoops .... that's right he did!

I wont be voting myself unfortunately as I'm off on a mystery getaway this weekend. The mystery has been solved just quietly but all the same im gonna be wearing speedos for 72 hours and there is no way im gonna potentially cue up next to ACT party constituants in a banana hammock. Look what they did to Rodney Hide! Looks like hes been biting pillows daily ever since they glazed him in oil and made him go ballroom dancing.


spot monkey

For your guide dog

Interesting to note that the desert has been a little stroppy of late. Not sure if it’s the increase number of iPhone in the region or just things have genuinely escalated to full scale chaos. But it has to be said the sand people are troubled bunch. I put it down to always having dust in the eyes, it will drive you bonkers there’s no doubt. Ever since the world hiding go seek champ was the victim of a brutal home invasion at the hand of the infidel, there certainly has been a lack of law and order and community spirit in the dunes. I wonder if Osama bin Hiding was in actual fact the glue that kept the camel together. In a land where your Hilux comes direct from the factory with a machine gun mounted on the tray anything is possible.

You’ve got to feel for Barry Crump though, no longer being the face synonymous with the world’s greatest Ute. He had a good run. Maybe he could turn his attentions to showing the world police how to drive those fucken Black Hawks. They should have called the movie 20 Black Hawks down, or maybe just Wood duck down. Weird how the fight for the holy land has proven to be the war of all wars, when both the bible and the Koran speak of peace and neighbourly love. Also weird how spell check wants a capital K for Koran but not a capital B for bible. I wonder if we took religion off the planet for a week there would be nothing to fight about. Ha, then it would be planet of the apes.

The China man must be laughing his little titties off watching and waiting for Jesus and Aladdin to break each other’s knee caps. Or at least go completely broke in the process. Thank god Buddha was a mellow yellow fellow because two billion pairs of hands makes light work ... of beating the puss out of someone. It’s always bugged me how the whale eaters gave China the mighty Ginsu in WWII though. If you looked at a map the smart money would have to be on the big guy. Something else bugs me in that neck of the woods to, and that is the consumption of hound. Man’s best friend shud not cooked. I don’t mind dolphin though it’s very good on the spit.

A little sea pig anyone? yum yum.

Brad Pit has retired. How could you ever get tired of riding that race horse of his. She’s an international 10 fosho. I hope Angie doesn’t serve up puppy to any of those little blighters. That would have been the biggest decision that collectively mankind has ever made … Jennifer or Angelina.

Strangely similar to Jesus or Aladdin. Ah the irony

maiden voyage

Let’s start with a little politics, delve into some sport and finish with a couple cheap shots at the farer sex.

Well the politicians are at it again, election time down on the farm. That means the race for every RH Minister of fuck all to get  the front page headlines is on. First prize is a tick from all the morons who decide who they’ll vote for in the last 2 weeks before the polls open. I calculate this to be about 50% of the votes. That’s how to choose who will govern the country for the next 3 years eh Doris.

This ridiculous yet predictable debacle is fuelled by wood ducks like Duncan ( Ive heard the tape, there’s nothing on it but ill keep asking if i can publish it) Garner who prefer to relentlessly dwell on the menial rather than focus on .... perhaps an election issue or two. God I hate that fuckwit. The guy can’t find a political party to take him because hes such penis, so we have to listen to him bag the other penis’s every night. Barry Soper, just as idiotic but with a worse voice. Sounds like a beaver crawled into his neck and decided to redecorate. While we're at it who’s that freak with a nose three sizes too big and pedo eyes, seriously where does the TV media choose its talent from.

Good thing we had a Rugby World Cup to delay the inevitable bollocks that saturates our flat screens for the months leading up to election day. I’m just glad we don’t have that ugly old wart hog still at the helm. She had a face like a ripped Ug boot and a body that should have been committed to Smash Palace, before the movie. If she was a fox the Queen would not have banned hunting her with a pack of dogs and men with guns on steed. Hideous creature! The Orks kicked her out of there xmas bash.

Ahhh the rugby. ...what a sensation that was. The only real disappointment was that Bryce Lawrence couldn’t make both the Boofhead Boks and the Criminal element lose in his finest hour. It’s like music to the ears hearing those biltong eating buffoons complain about the ref being the reason for losing a quarter final. It’s just so nice to be world champions, to rise above all the bitterness that permeates from the unfortunate also rans and just enjoy the victory. Ahhh the Victory, such a delicious word when used to describe one’s self.

Bloody good to see the Tongy's bash a few amphibians round our nation’s capital too. Slippery little toads nearly snuck in and bombed us again by crikey. But once again their exit plan was flawed and they are left wondering if sounding cool and making the sex good for chicks is all they are destined for. They can’t make a decent fucken coffee either, that’s another festering disappointment from 2007. There's a market for you horribly rich dairy farmers, when you’ve finished poisoning the china mans tea send some milk to those Gaul’s, coz their cows taste like arse.

Still making the sex good for the girls is an admirable trait none the less. Bit like good old Pinball and his motorboat technique, throw in a dwarf and transvestite bouncer and you’ve got the making of some pretty outrageous porn. Definitely not something the Queens niece is going to dip her toes in. Dam you CCTV, it was shaping up to be a good couple weeks down in Queenstown for Her Majesty's Para regiment. Wouldn’t be the first time they have rolled into a country and shagged the pigmy's FYG.

You’ve got to ask yourself how many other damsels in distress were motor boated by frisky rugby players over that 6 week period. My god the kiwi girls were throwing it away like last year’s G string to anyone with a pair of boots and an accent. Try get them to open shop early now and the only thing that will end up going down will be a drink down your front and THAT look down her nose.

You know the look. The 'I’m way to hot and important to talk to you'  look. Give her a set of scales and an FHM mag and see if shes still bubbling with confidence. You’re a 4 at best, now get to the gym.