maiden voyage

Let’s start with a little politics, delve into some sport and finish with a couple cheap shots at the farer sex.

Well the politicians are at it again, election time down on the farm. That means the race for every RH Minister of fuck all to get  the front page headlines is on. First prize is a tick from all the morons who decide who they’ll vote for in the last 2 weeks before the polls open. I calculate this to be about 50% of the votes. That’s how to choose who will govern the country for the next 3 years eh Doris.

This ridiculous yet predictable debacle is fuelled by wood ducks like Duncan ( Ive heard the tape, there’s nothing on it but ill keep asking if i can publish it) Garner who prefer to relentlessly dwell on the menial rather than focus on .... perhaps an election issue or two. God I hate that fuckwit. The guy can’t find a political party to take him because hes such penis, so we have to listen to him bag the other penis’s every night. Barry Soper, just as idiotic but with a worse voice. Sounds like a beaver crawled into his neck and decided to redecorate. While we're at it who’s that freak with a nose three sizes too big and pedo eyes, seriously where does the TV media choose its talent from.

Good thing we had a Rugby World Cup to delay the inevitable bollocks that saturates our flat screens for the months leading up to election day. I’m just glad we don’t have that ugly old wart hog still at the helm. She had a face like a ripped Ug boot and a body that should have been committed to Smash Palace, before the movie. If she was a fox the Queen would not have banned hunting her with a pack of dogs and men with guns on steed. Hideous creature! The Orks kicked her out of there xmas bash.

Ahhh the rugby. ...what a sensation that was. The only real disappointment was that Bryce Lawrence couldn’t make both the Boofhead Boks and the Criminal element lose in his finest hour. It’s like music to the ears hearing those biltong eating buffoons complain about the ref being the reason for losing a quarter final. It’s just so nice to be world champions, to rise above all the bitterness that permeates from the unfortunate also rans and just enjoy the victory. Ahhh the Victory, such a delicious word when used to describe one’s self.

Bloody good to see the Tongy's bash a few amphibians round our nation’s capital too. Slippery little toads nearly snuck in and bombed us again by crikey. But once again their exit plan was flawed and they are left wondering if sounding cool and making the sex good for chicks is all they are destined for. They can’t make a decent fucken coffee either, that’s another festering disappointment from 2007. There's a market for you horribly rich dairy farmers, when you’ve finished poisoning the china mans tea send some milk to those Gaul’s, coz their cows taste like arse.

Still making the sex good for the girls is an admirable trait none the less. Bit like good old Pinball and his motorboat technique, throw in a dwarf and transvestite bouncer and you’ve got the making of some pretty outrageous porn. Definitely not something the Queens niece is going to dip her toes in. Dam you CCTV, it was shaping up to be a good couple weeks down in Queenstown for Her Majesty's Para regiment. Wouldn’t be the first time they have rolled into a country and shagged the pigmy's FYG.

You’ve got to ask yourself how many other damsels in distress were motor boated by frisky rugby players over that 6 week period. My god the kiwi girls were throwing it away like last year’s G string to anyone with a pair of boots and an accent. Try get them to open shop early now and the only thing that will end up going down will be a drink down your front and THAT look down her nose.

You know the look. The 'I’m way to hot and important to talk to you'  look. Give her a set of scales and an FHM mag and see if shes still bubbling with confidence. You’re a 4 at best, now get to the gym.